The Five Worst Inventions In History

Throughout time, we have always strived for more. More strength, more speed, more technology, and more accomplishment. Sadly, these results often come from a desire to do as much as possible with as little effort as possible. This has led to some inventions that seem cool on the outside, but really do nothing more than sap our collective ability to be productive. Welcome to my list of the five worst inventions in history.

5. Sliced bread · All the convenience of bread, only you don't have to waste those precious seconds slicing it beforehand! Sure it makes sandwich creation only take 60 seconds instead of 70, but is that 10 seconds really relevant?

Not only do you lose the admittedly small amount of exercise that cutting the bread affords, but you now are forced to eat bread of a predefined thickness. If you want thicker bread, it's Texas Toast style or nothing. If you want thinner bread, good luck cutting it.

Normally an invention this small wouldn't make a Top 5 list, but this one is special; it paved the way for a period of human laziness. I can't tell you how much our caveman ancestors were fed up with having to slice their own bread. Thank fucking Christ that problem is over with.

4. Handicap doors · Once again, we take a trip down Laziness Boulevard. Only it's not a boulevard, because we don't like having to manage our way over that middle part. In fact, we don't like walking. It's a Laziness Taxi, really, and handicap doors are just another part of it.

Now we don't even have to pull the door open, we just push a button and it magically opens for us. Why was this invention created? So people with a real inability to open and walk through doors, like people in wheelchairs or on crutches or walkers, would be able to get around like everyone else. Sadly, it's turned in to just another way for the average person to be lazy. I believe my thoughts on this invention can be adequately summed up by what I said to someone two weeks ago who pressed the button and waited for the door to open before walking through it:

Or you could use your hand. Don't be so fucking lazy!

I'm not adding that emphasis at the end for fun, either: I spewed those words at him like enraged bile.

3. Escalators · I'll freely admit the elevator is cool. It can take you to the top of a tall building in short order, saving you from tiring yourself out and getting all sweaty from climbing 20 flights of stairs. The escalator, however, is fucking stupid.

Now you don't have to spend seven seconds climbing a flight of stairs any more, you can spend 12 seconds standing in place like a moron! How fucking lazy do you need to be to not want to climb a single flight of stairs? This wasn't even invented for handicapped people: they use the elevator! The escalator was invented because people are too fucking lazy for their own good, and they'd rather have a machine do the work for them.

Now here's the kicker: when an escalator breaks down, it essentially becomes stairs. The people who own the building could let you climb them as such, but what do they do instead? They put up a sign that says Escalator out of service, please use elevator. I cannot express in words how fucking irritated those signs make me.

2. The Internet · What's that, you say? Arguably the most important communication tool in history is the second worst invention? Of course it is! We are so dependant on technology that if the internet were to be shut off tomorrow, society would crumble.

Now, let's think this through: what would happen if the internet was destroyed? Well, all those people wasting their lives playing internet poker, or meticulously increasing their online personas, or watching stupid videos on YouTube would have to find some other way to occupy their days. Let's see, what else could they do... well, being honest for a minute, most would waste their time in front of the television instead of their computer screens. And that brings us to:

1. Television · This has accurately been called the boob tube, and is probably the single largest time-waster on the planet. There is so much lowest-common-denominator drivel on T.V. that it boggles the mind. Why should I give a fuck if twenty people were stupid enough to get marooned on an island on purpose, or if some whore is going to fuck fifteen men at once while claiming to be a "bachelorette?"

The sad truth is that most people waste their entire lives browsing the internet and watching television. What would they do without them? Well, they'd be forced to find ways to entertain themselves.

Holy flying shit, I may be on to something here!

Without the constant deadening stimulation of projected images, we'd be forced to go outside, exercise, be social, maybe read a little, exercise, and find ways to occupy our minds that don't involve planting ourselves in a chair and staring blankly at a screen for hours on end.

"But Chris, without the internet how would you have this website?" I wouldn't. Instead I'd have gone out and found a magazine or periodical, or I'd have started one myself. The message of human stupidity is universal, and it doesn't take the internet or a T.V. show to get my message out there.

Here's a challenge for you: go the next week, from this very moment until next Monday, without using the five things in this list. Buy unsliced bread if you can find it, open doors for yourself, climb the fucking stairs, stay off the internet except as your job or school require, and don't watch T.V. Then come back and try to tell me your life hasn't been enriched in some way from not having to rely on others to provide your entertainment. I guarantee you'll feel better about yourself if you make it.

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